Pastiche Foundation

Gender Variance made Simple

My mother’s against gay marriage.

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

My husband and I had a commitment ceremony a year ago, with most of our friends in attendance. As we were leaving Minneapolis at the time, the reception after was also a ‘bon voyage’ celebration. Both our parents turned down our invitations (complete with offers to find them guesting space) because they ‘wouldn’t feel comfortable participating’. Back then we chose not to legally marry, as our financial situation made it unwise at the time.

As any couple should, we periodically reassess our finances. This time around, we found we’d benefit from legal marriage in the following ways:

  • It will leave us better provided for financially
  • It will protect our rights should one of us fall ill
  • My husband plans to go to seminary and several friends pointed out that not being legally wed may disadvantage him during the application process and beyond. Don’t get me started… but they’re right.

Since Governor Gregoire signed the bill that gave gay couples full rights (WOOHOO!), I wanted to register as a domestic partnership/civil union, but that’s not feasible right now. The seminary David plans to attend is in California and thanks to Prop 8, our filing may prove useless there. Again… don’t get me started. I’m not sure we’d be able to get a Civil Union anyway, since according to Uncle Sam, I’m female. I’m more like Michael Novotny than Lindsay Peterson, but personal gender doesn’t matter to the government. Until I get top surgery and change my birth certificate, we have to do the hetero papers.

It should be said that I love my mother. A lot. She got a record machine when she wanted a cd player, but always did her best to try to help me growing up. She taught me a lot about the world and worked far too hard to keep us in food and clothing.

I called my mom today and told her this was going to happen. Her response floored me:

“Is this going to be an Adam and Eve marriage, or an Adam & Steve marriage?”

My response: “There would have to be an Eve in the relationship to have the first one. I couldn’t be a woman if I tried.” In L’esprit de l’escalier, I wish I would have made the joke about David, but oh well. I was too busy being shocked at her comfort with saying that to her gay son.

This sort of thinking has weighed heavily on our thoughts lately–in fact, David wrote an article about it a few weeks ago that discussed the situation better than I could. I recommended he post it at SexGenderBody and this morning, he did.

What my mom doesn’t understand about preventing/destroying gay marriage, in a few brief points:

  • A Constitution is a promise to the people, not the other way around. Altering it to limit contracts between consenting adults is therefore illegal.
  • “All men are created equal”? Not when actions like Prop 8 continue to happen.
  • Regardless of personal views, it is immoral and unethical to take the rights of a fellow American because you don’t understand/are uncomfortable with where they are coming from.
  • The point of Democracy according to our Founding Fathers was to PREVENT, not encourage these problems.
  • Disempowering someone on this deep a level can prevent them from doing good for the world.
  • Compare a couple that’s spent 30 years together, laughing and crying, grieving and growing, and the dedication it takes, to a couple that’s been dating for two years and tied the knot last month. If the latter couple happens to be opposite-gender and the former same-gender, the latter couple have less rights. What?
  • For years, Lesbian and Gay Americans have entered sham marriages with any or all of the results below:
    • Had miserable lives that damaged the hearts and minds of any children they had
    • Divorced, which destroys a kid’s world
    • Became addicted to drugs or alcohol to escape the strain, or
    • Had affairs, possibly catching something and passing it to their spouse.
      • AIDS is not “a gay disease”. Had gay been ok when it started, it wouldn’t be as widespread as it is.
  • ‘It’s about families/the children’? Really?
    • What about straight married couples that can’t/won’t have children? Is their family less valid? Why?
    • What about our child? Should I throw away love, break up my kid’s home and marry a woman? That seems about the most unhealthy and foolish thing I could do.

I left my mother with a request: I told her I didn’t care what decision she came to, but asked her to think about the fact that what she does with these opinions, she does to her own son.

I am an eternal optimist and I refuse to give up on anyone. I believe that the people who want to take away my rights truly believe they’re doing what’s best for culture and country, and in that, I cheer them. If I reach one person and help them realize they’re damaging the fabric of society by doing this, I will have done my part. In the meantime, I’m going to button my lip and make the legal paperwork as small a deal as possible, then go forward fighting for my brothers and sisters as I have always done.


May 21, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. Excellent list. I love how collected and educated you are about stating each logical point. Many people post while angry, and it just bites them in the ass. You rock!

    Comment by Lea | May 21, 2009 | Reply

  2. Oh I am angry and hurt… but writing from that space doesn’t help anyone.

    I believe that people want the best for their families, cities, states and countries. Maybe if they are shown the screwy logic of this propaganda they will free themselves of it.

    Comment by projectpastiche | May 21, 2009 | Reply

  3. Fantastic post. I am very glad that you are not giving up on your mom, even in moments like this. Keep it up!

    Comment by Vanesa Littlecrow W. | May 22, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks! This is something she taught me, lol

      Comment by projectpastiche | May 22, 2009 | Reply

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