Pastiche Foundation

Gender Variance made Simple

exes and Gender Confirmation

I strongly prefer the term Gender Confirmation Treatment to refer to hormones and surgery we undergo; I’ll write an entry on that another time, this is simply a reference point.

Having spent a lot of time reviewing my life, I am wondering about the social ramifications of GRT. For example, when I was 20 I married and had a child. My ex-husband is now a dear, dear friend… but what am I in relation to him?

The way I see it, all attempts at being female were masquerades at best. I can’t retcon history itself, and people did see me as a female. Strange, but female.

I know for purposes of my identity, that I have always been male, even though I didn’t understand it at the time. I know that i see myself in my relationship now as David’s husband. But socially, should my first husband refer to me as his ex-wife? Ex-husband? Simply his ex?

Incidentally, I asked him about this and he said he just refers to me as “The Ex.” I told him it sounds ominous, and he laughingly agreed.

So tell me… if your ex went through GRT… what would you call them?


April 15, 2009 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. Ex-spouse? I can’t speak for your ex-husband specifically but if I were in his situation I think I would still think of you as an ex-wife no matter how you thought of yourself in the same situation.

    Comment by pussreboots | April 15, 2009 | Reply

    • Hey PussReboots!

      Good to see you on my blog. I can definitely see validity to your comment, it’s that validity that got me thinking in the first place. Thanks for reading and commenting! Do you keep a blog or anything?

      Comment by projectpastiche | April 15, 2009 | Reply

      • Yup… it’s a book blog.

        Comment by pussreboots | April 17, 2009

      • Excellent! Will check out.

        Comment by projectpastiche | April 17, 2009

    • I agree with this thought. Since he saw you a wife, it’s very difficult to change what gender you saw someone as for so long. It’s easy to think of you as a man, but when you were trying to be very femmy, it was easy to think of you as a woman. When I remember you at my wedding, I want to say “she” because that’s what you presented as. When I refer to things you said/did then, I say “she”, but when I change tenses to the present I say “he”. It makes for some damn interesting conversations, I’ll tell ya that. My point is that when you see someone as one gender for a decent amount of time, referring to them as the opposite gender in past tense is very difficult. It’s easier to keep things gender neutral or just explain that you’re a trans dude.

      Comment by gorewhore | April 16, 2009 | Reply

      • This makes a ton of sense. And since I’m comfortable being Out, I’m ok with that.

        Comment by projectpastiche | April 16, 2009

  2. If I were him, I would probably think of you as “my ex-wife”, since you identified and were known as my wife while we were married. But I’d probably talk about you as “my ex” and let people draw their own conclusions. Of course, if I knew you were comfortable with being out to the person I was talking to, I’d flat out say, “my ex-wife went through gender reassignment/gender confirmation treatment and is now living as a man. We’re still really good friends.” But I tend to be on the cautious side when revealing someone’s sexuality or identity as trans unless they’ve given me express permission to do so, either to that particular person I’m talking to, or to anyone.

    Comment by Laura | April 16, 2009 | Reply

    • Hey Laura,

      That’s pretty much what he said, and I think there’s validity to it. It just squicks me to think of myself that way. Anyway, thanks for reading and I’m glad you liked it!

      Comment by projectpastiche | April 16, 2009 | Reply

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